0311 am 'Get This' news

program date: 
Mon, 03/10/2008

 

Get This:  What’s that “tapping” I hear?  Why, it’s the sound of GOP toe-tappers dancing on Eliot Spitzer’s ashes…

Chris Andreae

03/11/08

 

  1. Immigrants are creatively navigating their way around Oregon’s new licensing laws like…like…fish fighting Bonneville Dam, like drivers avoiding speed bumps, like Hillary Clinton dodging questions regarding AIPAC contributions.
  2. Oregon’s Democratic Senate candidates are trading union endorsements like…like…kids swapping baseball cards…like brokers dealing commodities futures…like immigrants eluding licensing laws…The SEIU backs Merkley, is what it boils down to.
  3. Junior League:  Some Republican junior Senator from Oklahoma is the only bump in the road lying – and I use the term broadly – between wilderness and no wilderness around Mt.  Hood.  This pinhead GOPain-in-the-Arse, Tom Coburn may not know much about mountains (Or even government, it seems…) but he, (Or one of his aides he pays to research how to bung up the environmental works…That way when he’s discovered sodomizing said “aide” in an airport broom closet, he can claim any money that changes hands as “research funding.”)  Anyway, Coburn says it costs too much to protect Mount Hood from his kind.  Oh, and the War on Iraq, that’s not too expensive?  And let’s take a look at some of the pork ‘Corn-fed’ Coburn has steered toward Oklahoma...I bet they have some swell lavatories at the Tulsa airport.
  4. Congress is considering a bill outlawing forest fires.  Ha!  No, but it is proposing a better way to pay the bills for fire fighting.   (Why not just burn money?  Thus far the war on Forest Fires has been a dead failure.)
  5. Local Sherwood school children had to move their play about bullying off campus because the language in it (The play, not the school) was too rough for the tender ears of…of whom?  Other students?  They are the ones doing the pitching and the catching sides of the bullying.  Teachers?  They haven’t heard ‘rough language’ before?  Parents?  C’mon…they are the ones who taught those words to the kids in the first place.  Somebody please tell me who on the school property is going to get their ears bruised?  In the end, the students played ‘Higher Ground’ to an enthusiastic Portland audience.
  6. Piece Officer:  Last Saturday, Eugene celebrated the bursting buds of spring with its annual naked bike ride.  And the local police happened to stop by (They had no advance warning, but apparently the merest hint of a nubile young girl wearing nothing but a Schwinn, seems to bring them out in force…) in order to control the dangerous crowd (I don’t know about you but I have always felt threatened and intimidated by throngs in thongs on bicycles…) Police grabbed one cyclist, were distracted by another female nude on wheels, let go of the first one, and…Well, a good time was had by all!
  7. The Peoples’ Clinic in Spokane is closing.  Out of money, y’know. 
  8. Dick Cheney is following the Gold Brick Road to Oman, Saudi Arabia, Israel the West Bank and Turkey this week, darkening the desert sun like an obese, sickly, gun slinging hawk.  (Saaaaay…Isn’t falconry popular in the Middle East.  You don’t think Arab states want the US to bankrupt itself fighting Other Peoples’ Wars…?
  9. Human Rights First says that “terrorism” suspects in the military commissions at Gitmo are in for some rough sailing.  Thing is, whatever “testimony” presented at the trials will be tainted since it was obtained through torture.  And this “testimony” will be kept secret from the suspects and their lawyers.  I don’t know about you, but anything I might say after a simulated drowning, a non-simulated genital electrocution, and a month in a tiny dark refrigerator of cell, would not be worth the trouble it took to extract it.  And furthermore, I probably wouldn’t remember what it was I told my torturers either.  But none of this is about justice.  It’s just more misguided PR from a nation desperate to restore  face and name in the World’s esteem and failing miserably at every attempt…
  10. The House Judiciary Committee is suing former white House counsel Harriet Miers and White House Chief of staff, Josh Bolton.  (The perfect opportunity to showcase the evenhandedness with which America treats those subjected to its fiiine judicial system:  I say we torture Harriet and Josh…just for the sheer PR payload….)
  11. House Republicans are trying to force action on an immigration enforcement measure  authored by Democrats.  Whatever cranks their engine, I guess.
  12. Gulf War Syndrome: Chemicals cause it.  (And it took us how long to figure this out?
  13. American Idle:  Like the spoiled, privileged little rich kid that it most assuredly is, Boeing is stamping its little foot, pouting and suing to get the big defense contract it feels it must surely deserve simply by virtue of American entitlement.
  14. Tapped Out:  Elliot Spitzer tripped over his own dick.  But let’s back up here and wonder who ordered the wiretaps that trapped Spitz, who revealed the information and who stands to benefit…
  15. Dixie:  In Laurens, South Carolina a black civil rights activist is fighting to close a store that sells KKK robes and racist T-shirts.  Not to put too fine a point on it, African –American, David Kennedy owns the building, but can’t do anything about ‘The Redneck Shop’ (Shouldn’t it be called ‘The Redneck Store’?  Isn’t ‘Shop’ kinda gay?) Because the Chief Executive Redneck isn’t doing anything “illegal.”  (But check the shed around back for a bathtub full of meth, just in case…)
  16. The second guy in line at the Office of National Intelligence wants to upgrade the public image of American spies.  Problem:  They aren’t supposed to have a “public image”;  They’re, you know, spies.  Problem:  Let’s start with something simple, like upgrading the public’s impression of the judicial system and go at the tricky stuff.  Problem:  Shouldn’t this fellow be hanging around airports waving a wand at passengers?
  17. Popularity Contest:  Support for the Once and Future war with Iran is waning.  It’s hard to work oneself up into frothy, righteous indignation and sphincter-twisting terror when your house is in foreclosure, your family is dying of environmentally-caused disease and you can’t drive too AFDC because you’re out of gas….
  18. We’re All Iraqis Now:  It’s been a deadly week in Baghdad for Iraqis and Americans alike.  (Not so ‘alike’ really:  The Iraqis always get the worst of it from their own people  fighting for Freedom from Americans…
  19. Taxi To The British Side:  British Foreign Secretary David ‘Tell It Like It Is’ Miliband issued an embarrassed apology to MPs for allowing two planes carrying US ‘extraordinary rendition’ passengers to land on Diego Garcia – a British protectorate in the Indian Ocean which, Lo and Behold!  has mutated into a massive American military base.
  20. Extreme Makeover:  America’s newest improvement project:  Modernize the Polish military.
  21. Lawyers Resistance Army:  In Uganda, attorneys for the rebel group the Lord’s Resistance Army want the International Criminal Court in the Hague to drop charges against their crazy-making clients.  (The LRA is the group notorious for convincing young men that if they believed in God they could walk into a barrage of bullets with little or no armor and survive.  Pretty much the same line Rumsfeld used on American boys…)
  22. The Eighth Deadly Sin:  The Pope has added Hummers to The Big List.
  23. And the dollar is learning to sing those high notes.

 

 

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