lipstick is a petroleum product

Categories:

For the Old Mole September 15, 2008

I’m here to confess that I have been as mesmerized as anyone by the Republican nominee for vice president.

In the words of Fafblog,

there's a brand new political superstar on the scene and she's tough as nails and the media won't leave her alone and she's a rough-and-tumble Alaskan hockey mom and why are they asking all these questions and she is the pure reincarnation of the invincible Anglo-Saxon frontier earth mother and stop picking on her!

Stop picking on her lipstick, for instance. It’s true that the title of a book by McCain’s former press secretary is Lipstick on a Pig, and it’s true that McCain himself described Hillary Clinton’s health plan as “lipstick on a pig” and it’s clear that when Obama used the phrase he was referring to the McCain campaign, so that if any person is anything in that analogy, then Palin is the lipstick, and McCain is the pig, So while it’s true that Palin herself has said the only difference between herself and a dog is lipstick, this can only help to account for her interest in big oil and drilling in Alaska, even though that drilling won’t solve either our immediate or our long-term energy and climate change problems. Even the Department of Energy believes that offshore drilling “would not have a significant impact on domestic crude oil and natural gas production or prices before 2030.” … Opening the Arctic Refuge would cut gasoline prices by two cents in 17 years, [at the cost of destroying the] home of America’s native polar bears. So why is she so dedicated to petroleum that she has taken donations form an indicted oil executive? Because lipstick is a petroleum product.

So maybe Sarah Palin doesn't have all that much "experience." Maybe she doesn't pay much attention to your fancy-pants "foreign policy" or "domestic policy" or "policy." Maybe she's "crazy" and "corrupt" …. But maybe that's just because Sarah Palin's just too busy being a real American to hang around with your namby-pamby liberal candidates with their arugula lattes and their east coast Ivy League universities and their "qualifications" while they tax the Jesus Fetus to pay for gay Muslim healthcare! Well Sarah Palin understands that being vice-president takes more than just book-smarts or regular-smarts or knowing what a vice president does! It takes gumption and spunk and other made-up words that hearken back to another time - a realer time - a whiter time - back when men were men and great big hairy-chested frontiersmen of the plains wrestled oxen and caribou and the savage Injun Man in their mighty conquest of the West before succumbing to explosive amoebic dysentery!

And with the help of God and millions of dollars in energy industry donations, Sarah Palin will give us that dysentery again! As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five, Sarah Palin understands real American values, because she is a real American just like you, only with much more money and power and a tiny invisible fairy that lives in her brain and tells her to ban books and blow up Muslims. Sarah Palin understands that the key to America's success is personal responsibility, and the key to personal responsibility is getting lots of money from oil companies and the federal government while you enforce other people's personal responsibility! Oh, you wanted state funding to help with your out-of-wedlock Sin Child? Shoulda thoughta that before you decided to not be born to Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin will also ban abortion, 'cause in the hardscrabble up-by-the-bootstraps wilderness of the Alaskan suburbs, they don't have abortion.

They also do not have adequate access to health care, birth control, or equal pay for equal work, as it turns out.

That’s right, Sarah Palin is mother. And what do mothers want? According to the Motherhood Manifesto from the organization Moms Rising, Moms want fair wages and paid sick days. Moms want paid family leave, like the hundred-sixty-some countries in the Harvard study, in which only four nations had no paid leave for new parents—the US, Liberia, Swaziland, and Papua New Guinea.

Moms want quality healthcare for all children, though McCain campaign advisor John Goodman has suggested the 47 million uninsured Americans should be redefined as covered because anyone can get care at an emergency room.

Moms want quality, affordable childcare available to all parents who need it. But although the 2008 Republican Party platform advocates more part-time and flexible jobs for working parents, [it] contains not a single mention of affordable child care or equal pay.  As governor Palin line-item vetoed the funding for a vocational residential facility that included a child care center for students, as well as the funds for breast-feeding pumps, among other supplies, for a Women, Infants, and Children program for poor women.

But Sarah Palin is not only a mother of five but a mother of a child with Down Syndrome, so she says she’s a friend to parents of special needs children. Apparently this doesn’t include being a friend to those kids after they grow up, since she had nothing to say about, or to, adults with disabilities, and her running mate McCain has opposed the Community Choice Act, which would end the institutional bias in America's healthcare financing system and allow people with disabilities to live in their own homes and communities rather than isolated nursing homes and other institutions. He has supported judicial nominees to the Supreme Court and lower-level courts who have disregarded the intent of Congress and dramatically rolled back the civil rights protections of the Americans with Disabilities Act, leaving millions of Americans with epilepsy, diabetes, mental illness, HIV-AIDS, and other disabilities unprotected.

But I guess she’d protect the rest of us from foreign threats through her support for war with Russia and her endorsement for invading Pakistan and her condoning an Israeli strike on Iran, and her belief in the idea that the US has a right to a preemptive strike against any other country that we think is going to attack us.

As a hockey-playing moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who plays hockey, Sarah Palin lives in Alaska, which is just a couple thousand miles away from Russia and the Red Chinese, giving her valuable insight into their inscrutable foreign ways. Every day for forty-four years Sarah Palin has gotten up and thought to herself, "Hmmm, the weather is cold today - and I bet the weather is similarly cold in Russia at this latitude." Isn't it about time we had a vice-president who understands the climatological grievances of our most deadliest frenemies? Think about it! But not for very long!

Alaska is also close to the International Date Line, giving Sarah Palin the power to traverse the distance between Today and Yesterday at will and making her the Wizard of Speed and Time. She's sassy and white and ready to lead, people! And to ban abortion. Again. Just in case it got away the first time.

 

Copyright © 2012 KBOO Community Radio | Copyright Policy | Community Guidelines | Website Illustration & Design by: KMF ILLUSTRATION