1. Bottle Battle: Oregon – still keeping up with the rest of the nation – has passed an updated, albeit somewhat watered-down, bottle bill that covers plastic water bottles which currently cover the landscape. Alas, there is no law against sheer human stupidity which is the underlying reason for the plasticization of the countryside.
2. Unredeemed: Or not as the case may be. The distinctly American practice of giving people gift cards (Instead of taking the time to get to know the person well enough to find or make something meaningful to the recipient….). In any case, the unredeemed money left over on those plastic platters of joy is going to be donated to schools. (Ah the metaphysics of money: It doesn’t exist anymore than radio frequencies do. It sort of wanders electronically as a cloud that floats on high o’er vales and hills, when all at once I spied a crowd, a host of golden gift card bills…But I digress…. )
3. Cat And Mouse: Hunters get to hunt cougars with hound dogs again, even though we voted against the practice ten years ago…
4. The police have charged three people (Two of whom appear to be skanky-looking punks. The best thing one say about these characters is that they are too fat to be speedfreaks. All have priors.) with torching cars in Southeast Portland. Perfect! Now let’s see how these new “terrorism enhancement” laws really work. The charges are Measure 11 mandatory minimum offenses on top of everything else. And the perpetrators can’t even claim to be freeing the animals, unless there were rats living in the mufflers…
5. Another Animal Liberation Front activist, Kevin Tubbs was sentenced to twelve and a half years in prison. Judge Aiken once again gave the environmentalist a stern talking to, and then blasted rats out of her tailpipe.
6. A Wilson High School senior and the rest of her graduating class are going to be spending the weekend removing the marigold peace sign from the lawn in front of the school and replacing it with plain old lawn. (Lucky for Maggie Collins that the government didn’t feel threatened by the peace sign and interpret it as an act of terrorism…)
7. Johnny Comes Marching Home: Sixty Oregon National Guardsmen are coming home today. The ones who don’t wind-up in rehab will spend the summer fighting forest fires and screaming ‘Kill Kill Kill.’
8. As are other returning soldiers around the country.
9. Voters are less than pleased with the Democrats’ performance thus far. What part of ‘Bring the troops home now’ don’t they understand? For that matter, what part of ‘Illegal invasion based on a lie” don’t they understand? And furthermore, how many of our elected representatives know anything at all about the history, language and culture of other societies? How many of them know a whit about geopolitics, warfare, or diplomacy? The only reason they hold public office is that they know how to raise money.
10. Seven out of ten Northwest congressional Democrats voted against the war funding bill. The ones who did not vote for it, did so because it is a load of hyena shit. The bill is outright thievery, stripping cash-strapped communities across the country of their last hope of decent infrastructure. Our schools, roads, parks, air, water and lives are in ruins and all the money we paid in taxes is being shipped to Iraq where it disappears into defense contractor coffers.
11. The Senate has scheduled a no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for June – thus providing Karl Rove and his evil minions ample time to get all their ducks in a row and sufficiently intimidate legislators as to guarantee that the vote will be White House-approved. (But, Wah-Wah-Wee-Wah! Did you see Monica “Happy Birthday Mr. President” Goodling testify? All we have to do is introduce her to George and Impeachment here we come!
12. String Theory: Somehow an increase in the minimum wage got tied to the crappy war bucks bill.
13. The Raptor Is Here: Oregon pigeon fanciers are on a raptor killing tear.
14. Out Out Damn Spot: The Magic Fu Bird shit on the president as he was telling the nation and the world that Alberto Gonzales is doing a heckuva job. White House Press Secretary Dana “Guano Mama” Perino says, Well, pshaw….Everyone knows getting shat upon by birds means good luck…
15. The US-backed (and probably financed and supplied with arms) Lebanese army is heating up the already scorching situation in the Nahr al-Bared Palestinian refugee camp.
16. The former head of the CIA covert operations in Europe admits that “extraordinary rendition” has caused serious problems for America’s allies (Question: What “allies”? And comment: And how! Other countries signed on to the International Criminal Court and therefore are subject to international rule of law. They are legally obligated to respect global mandates. The US, on the other hand, never signed up, and thus is free to gallop off into the legal sunset, guns a-blazing. Fasten your seat belts, prisoners!)
17. Jigged: In Ireland, Bertie Ahern won even though the votes are still being counted..
18. The British, not to be entirely outdone by American arrogance and hubris, have decided to opt out of European Human Rights laws – and not a moment too soon!
19. The new US-backed Mexican government is giving itself a stern dressing-down for its insanely murderous repression of activists in Oaxaca last year.
20. The Pope is in trouble for announcing before millions of people in South America that Catholicism and colonialism are the best things to come their way since human sacrifice.
21. The French intelligence officer who led the 1985 bombing of the Greenpeace ship, the Rainbow Warrior, is currently partaking of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness in the United States (Along with assorted other confirmed terrorists such as Luis Posada Carriles, to mention just one…). Louis-Pierre Dillais is an arms dealer whose clients include the FBI, the Pentagon and the Department of Homeland security. His hobbies are gardening, stamp collecting, golf, murdering innocent people and fighting extradition.
22. Iranian banks are raising interests rates, inflation is out of control and petrol prices are through the ceiling…..Can invasion be far behind?